Friday, March 12, 2010

Why Tricking Taylor Swift into Falling in Love with You and then Dumping Her is a Public Service

It’s pretty simple. Taylor Swift is going to run out of songwriting steam real soon. She’s not in high school anymore and she isn’t a sweet and innocent small-town girl. She’s a Grammy-winning multi-platinum millionaire. Regular guys like Stephen (from “Hey Stephen”) or the one from “Teardrops on My Guitar” don’t have much a chance of breaking her heart anymore. Now she dates celebrities. Any love song she writes from now on will sound like bullshit. If she tries to sound relatable, you’ll just go, “Fuck you, Taylor Swift. Don’t try to make me empathize with you because Taylor Lautner banged Jennifer Love Hewitt behind your back. Get back in your private jet and see if Saks Fifth Avenue has any genuine problems in stock.”

But I don’t want that to happen. Ms. Swift has proven herself to be incredibly good at pumping out quality jams, as long as a real guy has recently crushed her soul, and those jams provide happiness to millions of listeners around the world. So here’s my plan. Someone needs to move to California and get a job at her mansion or estate or multi-island compound or whatever. Mow her lawn or something. Just make sure it’s a real “regular guy” job. Get to know her, working on the relationship very slowly. Just say hi to her when you pass for a few months. Then one day, tell her she looks good or whatever. I don’t know, just pull something out of your ass that sounds nice. Based on her two albums, she fell in love with about fifteen different dudes throughout high school, so it can’t be that hard to impress her.

Then one day leave a rose on her doorstep and a special letter about how she makes you feel. At this point she will fall in love with you, mainly because she’s in her fame-rebellion phase and is done with dating celebs, and you’re this sort of forbidden fruit as well as a grounded tie to her pre-fame days. Romance her for a year. Lots of fancy dates, romantic gestures, missionary-position intercourse. Make her really fall for you.

Then, the day before Valentine’s Day (after weeks of promising her she’s in for an amazing surprise (make her think you’re going to propose to her)), fuck Jennifer Love Hewitt. Take a cell phone picture of the act and send it to everyone on your contacts list.

That’s all there is to it. You move back home to continue your life, and in approximately seven to nine months, Taylor will bless us with a fresh album of quality songs straight from her destroyed heart. The world will appreciate your effort.

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